What is true life and what does it look like?

As I sit and watch these reality shows and the madness they call life and then having all my life issues circling in my head. I sometimes feel like my life is not real. Like it’s some joke and I will wake up. I find that I am dealing with my thoughts of still being alone at this stage in my life. It’s a daunting, exhausting, and scary thing to always be in fear of life remaining the same. I have this overwhelming desire for a life where I can take care of my family financially, have a husband, and raise children.  In order to achieve all this, I need a job that has room to grow and one that I can enjoy. I feel suffocated in my current position and I become more and more depressed in having to be there. I also cannot fulfill this desire if I’m not in a committed relationship. I feel like I’m the girl that guys look at and get this overwhelming thought that they must sleep with me and that becomes their main focus in speaking to me. I was so confident in this last go around and it’s been so heartbreaking, but I won’t even let myself succumb to how much. I no longer trust my emotion, my head tied to my emotion, and even my actions tied to my emotion. I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I need to run far away, but at the same time I also long to be close, very close. This is beyond my expertise and I honestly give up. Look, I’m not a girl that doesn’t get hit on, but it’s not enough anymore. I need something that last, something that has true feelings, and lasting positive imprints. I love him and I miss him, but that’s just today.