What is true life and what does it look like?

As I sit and watch these reality shows and the madness they call life and then having all my life issues circling in my head. I sometimes feel like my life is not real. Like it’s some joke and I will wake up. I find that I am dealing with my thoughts of still being alone at this stage in my life. It’s a daunting, exhausting, and scary thing to always be in fear of life remaining the same. I have this overwhelming desire for a life where I can take care of my family financially, have a husband, and raise children.  In order to achieve all this, I need a job that has room to grow and one that I can enjoy. I feel suffocated in my current position and I become more and more depressed in having to be there. I also cannot fulfill this desire if I’m not in a committed relationship. I feel like I’m the girl that guys look at and get this overwhelming thought that they must sleep with me and that becomes their main focus in speaking to me. I was so confident in this last go around and it’s been so heartbreaking, but I won’t even let myself succumb to how much. I no longer trust my emotion, my head tied to my emotion, and even my actions tied to my emotion. I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I need to run far away, but at the same time I also long to be close, very close. This is beyond my expertise and I honestly give up. Look, I’m not a girl that doesn’t get hit on, but it’s not enough anymore. I need something that last, something that has true feelings, and lasting positive imprints. I love him and I miss him, but that’s just today.

Him first

Him, Him first, the creator of the universe, the one who came down simply to quench my thirst
Him, Him first, my one true love, who gave it all, that my soul was saved all by His birth
Him, Him first, at first I didn't see, all he created simply for me.  He restores my soul from all the ugliness I let take hold
Him, Him first, to the one who gave me grace to get through my race
I'm held by His love, the great power from above
Him, Him first I woke up this day to give Him praise
I am rendered speechless when I think of how He reached us
Him, Him first. I will not require a sign, to know that He is mine
I'm His daughter Devine, so i can't help but to shine
Him, Him first. The author of my story, I will stay forever in His glory
Him, Him first.

Beyond Comprehension

It's beyond my comprehension
How I got honorable mention
My intentions pure but misdirected
I've made a straight mess out of my protection

He has been faithful and just, yet I fail to trust that He is the one and only that takes away the lonely

He is everything I'll need
So I can get my mind of the greed
I can be content, for he is my happiness.

I have wasted so much of His time, I'm surprised not to be kicked of this grind, but from this day forward, I'll keep on living on His time, His schedule, His dime.

This is no blanket statement, no false promise to bate you, He will be my all, my everything, my fortress, the one that brings me through

So I stand before you, my heart on my chest, pledging my life, my heart, my soul, my goals, my insecurities and all the rest.
That next time you see me, you can't help but to fall
down on your knees realizing He is worth the call

TRHWOA Episode 1

So the cray crayness of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is back in full affect. This episode was less ridicoulous than I thought it would be.

Let's start off with the new addition, Kendra. This chic needs to be put on a serious time out. How is it that a grown woman still behaves as though she is an insecure 16 year old in high school, having to prove her importance instead of actually being important. I mean who walks around with a body guard when you are not Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie? It's just asinine.

Let me just say seeing Kandi in a seemingly good relationship makes me elated. I want what she has, and I know that instead of being a jealous hater, I need to be congratulatory in order for my blessing to come as well. So go Kandi! I even honestly like her new place, I mean mansion that she purchased. I personally agree with Kim and do not like a house that needs work, but hey if it works for her, it works for her. Her new beau is good looking too! Man she is on top of the world this season. Kandi is making that cash and hitting that ass! Go gurl!

I am not mad at Ms. Nene Leeks. She is sucessful and is taking herself to a new place in life all by herself. I don't know about her getting back with her husband Greg, but if she truly loves him, I say go with love beyond anything else. I would say however that Nene needs to stop dropping names and calling out all her designer things. Did you notice how she dropped the brand of her bag with no relevance? It's becoming a second hand shame situation for me, it's awkward Nene, it's awkward!


So many things for Kim. Why is the hell would you hire back someone you fired? Why is useless Sweetie back? How is that a good investment? Sweetie just looks like a stuffed up doll that just curses and eats. Fuckin useless. Then this lease debacle. She doesn't pay her decorator, she obviously did not think before they leased the place, it's just a mess! Kandi is right, there is always some drama with Kim. It's never peaceful, at least not for long.

Phadrea is just too much. I don't know how I feel about her in general. She seems so disingenuous. It's all about that cash, and I don't trust that. The whole funeral for animals is smart though. People take their pets very seriously.

As much as I hate, I will continue to watch and see where these ladies go with all of their mess!

I love it!

Wednesday Swag!

                                    Shirt- Ross
                                    Sweater & Shoes- Target
                                    Pants- H & M
                                    

Spring has sprung

       
                                      Sweater, shoes, & pants - Ross
                                      Blouse- Forever 21
                                      

Monday Funday

This was such a comfortable outfit, yet so tre cute!
                                             Shirt- Ross
                                              Pants- New York
                                              Sweater- Forever 21
                                             Shoes- Sheik

Oh boys, boys, boys

So I recently stopped talking to this cat that I was very much in like with. At least I thought it was a like situation... I guess I should give a back story. I was in Manchester, London in May and a close family friend offered to set me up with a guy. Well I wasn't really keen on the idea, so I said no. I got back home and my friend was still harping on the idea. Finally, I said it would be fine to give the dude my number. Well lo and behold, this guy calls like within 2 minutes. It was crazy, and totally caught me off guard. I mean, who is this guy? Where did he come from? What does he do? He lives all the way out there, how would this work? So after driving myself crazy with all the questions that was really to soon to ask, I finally call him back. We talked for a little over an hour! Over an hour! I was not expecting that. Here was this seemingly normal, funny, outgoing, smart, guy that was really eager to get to know me and I was actually excited about it. (This was not normal for me) I struggle with not being in control of situations and people... Anyway, I let all that go and decided to let some guards down. We talked about life, our likes and dislikes, the future, our families, politics, and everything in between. We started to talk all the time and he began to seem more and more perfect. He wasn't the perfect person by any means, but he just seemed to fit for me. I liked that he was such a gadget geek, I liked that he had this akward way of saying things, I liked that he was a work-a-holic, but made time to talk to me, he was perfect for me. I had a trip to London planned for my brother-in-law's mom's birthday (yes, I travel quite a bit), so I decided to stop by Manchester and spend some time with my new found perfect. I told him about the trip and he seemed eager to see me. He took time off work and tried to communicate what we could do while I was out there. I tried to purchase my ticket one night, and got really anxious about seeing him and being there, and maybe I was taking this too far. I kept asking myself, "what if it goes to shit?" I shared my anxiety with him, and he was very encouraging in his special way, and said, "Just buy the ticket". So I did. The planning was so anxiety ridden. What if he doesn't think I'm pretty in person? What if we don't have any chemistry? What if his family is crazy? So many things were going through my head, that the only way I knew to not turn bat shit crazy was to control something. So I did. I went on an extreme diet. Lost alot of weight, so I at least felt comfortable with my body. The day finally came that I would be leaving. All my close girl friends were excited for me because they realized I hadn't been this excited about anyone in a long time. So I get on this long ass flight that has 2 stops. (Trust me I will never do that again, next international flight is non- stop!) I finally get there and my friend picks me up from the airport. On our way there, I can feel my anxiety level rising. I am so nervous. It's like the first day of school where you hope the other kids like you and your outfit! My friend can obviously tell I'm off, so he asks me if I'm ok. Of course, like the boss that I am, I say, "Of course". (So full of shit!) He then turns to me and says, "Oh so you're not nervous about the limp?" I stare at him for a second and ask, "The limp? What limp?" We go back and forth, and the conclusion is that this cat has a limp when he walks and has a disabled sign for his car. I honestly can say, it didn't really bother me because I really liked him, so I was just upset he hadn't told me before this. We had talked countless times in the last 3 months for goodness sake! We finally get to the house and I'm more nervous than I was before I landed. Finally, I hear the door bell and I know it's him. I jump up and my excitement for seeing him and being around him completely took over my anxiety. I open the door and I jump on him and hug him. I told him how excited I was to see him and he said the same. He came up the stairs and I watched his legs closely. He definitely had a limp, but I really didn't care, I was just so happy to see him. We hang out for a little bit and decide to go to his place. We get to the bottom of the stairs and he turns to me laughing and says, "There is nothing wrong with my leg". What a jerk! He and my friend decided it would be funny to play this joke on me. Like they actually planned this shit! What idiots. Anywho, we get alone and we totally vibe! Like really vibe! It's great. I was there for 6 days and we were like a real couple for that time. I met his mom, his brother, and his church family. They all loved me, or so I thought. Anyway, so of course we are very lovey dovey the entire time. The second to the last night I was there, we were getting hot and heavy in his room, and I stop him and ask, "So, what are we doing exactly?" He stares at me like I just spoke in another language. I simply wanted to see where we were. Were we going to be exclusive or keep it open? He skirted the issue and promised to talk about it the next day. Well of course my neurotic behavior kicks in and I can't sleep cause I keep questioning why he wouldn't talk about it. I had such high, unrealistic expectations of us just falling in love and being whisked off my feet. Wow, that died quickly. Next day we go out to have the talk, and he informs me that he doesn't think he can do the long distance thing. Really dude! You can't do the long distance thing you have been doing for the past 3 months?! WTF? And so my dreams came tumbling down! Oh boys!