Weight Envy

I have this love/hate relationship with social media. I enjoy knowing what people are up especially since I don't get out much these days, but absolutely end up despising myself for becoming so envious of all the folks that are in shaping and flaunting it.

I mean I can't really hate on them. I would flaunt my body too if it was on point. I would have those crop tops on dressing like I was in my mid twenties still. God knows I miss it. I use to be the pretty one. I was Kim in our family of black Kardashians. Now I'm the un-named fat cousin that randomly shows up and looks like she is there strictly to be seen, even if for just a moment. I realize I sound shallow and honestly in this moment, I don't care for your judgement. I just miss the old me! I have tons of clothes in my closet that I don't fit into any more, but I refuse to give up. I can't give up hope that I can have the discipline to get my body back in shape.

See the key word is discipline. I see these people, who seem to have transformed who they are, and all I can think is "Wow! That took a lot of discipline." I feel like I had more drive when I was younger, but obviously life happens. Which is the problem. I will not let "life" happen to me. It's just not the way it's supposed to be.

So my plan is to get up and go. I am sharing this in order to keep myself accountable. I will keep track of my progress on here and make sure there is progress to write about. I think I will try to eat well and follow a paleo diet and workout on a daily basis. I think the combination of taebo, 30 day squat challenge, 30 day ab challenge, and some 30 day shred. Whatever gets me to where I need to be! I'm going to work on becoming my inner Beyonce.

Unwanted

I tend to feel unwanted
and maybe it's true
the things you said still haunting
every memory i have with you

I'm not the ugly picture you've painted
So go get the hell on!
No wait, please stay, I know my head gets too strong
But I need to understand what's wrong

I love you, I miss you
but that's just today
Just give me a sunrise and the feeling will fade

No, I'm not sober, but who the hell cares
It's you and me baby, don't hold back the tears
We worked against the hours, thinking the world was ours
Unfortunately for us, glass tends to shatter

Is it my pain that fuels your fire?
I know I'm no longer your hearts desire
I can't bare this pain my love
I might just go insane

What is true life and what does it look like?

As I sit and watch these reality shows and the madness they call life and then having all my life issues circling in my head. I sometimes feel like my life is not real. Like it’s some joke and I will wake up. I find that I am dealing with my thoughts of still being alone at this stage in my life. It’s a daunting, exhausting, and scary thing to always be in fear of life remaining the same. I have this overwhelming desire for a life where I can take care of my family financially, have a husband, and raise children.  In order to achieve all this, I need a job that has room to grow and one that I can enjoy. I feel suffocated in my current position and I become more and more depressed in having to be there. I also cannot fulfill this desire if I’m not in a committed relationship. I feel like I’m the girl that guys look at and get this overwhelming thought that they must sleep with me and that becomes their main focus in speaking to me. I was so confident in this last go around and it’s been so heartbreaking, but I won’t even let myself succumb to how much. I no longer trust my emotion, my head tied to my emotion, and even my actions tied to my emotion. I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I need to run far away, but at the same time I also long to be close, very close. This is beyond my expertise and I honestly give up. Look, I’m not a girl that doesn’t get hit on, but it’s not enough anymore. I need something that last, something that has true feelings, and lasting positive imprints. I love him and I miss him, but that’s just today.

Him first

Him, Him first, the creator of the universe, the one who came down simply to quench my thirst
Him, Him first, my one true love, who gave it all, that my soul was saved all by His birth
Him, Him first, at first I didn't see, all he created simply for me.  He restores my soul from all the ugliness I let take hold
Him, Him first, to the one who gave me grace to get through my race
I'm held by His love, the great power from above
Him, Him first I woke up this day to give Him praise
I am rendered speechless when I think of how He reached us
Him, Him first. I will not require a sign, to know that He is mine
I'm His daughter Devine, so i can't help but to shine
Him, Him first. The author of my story, I will stay forever in His glory
Him, Him first.

Beyond Comprehension

It's beyond my comprehension
How I got honorable mention
My intentions pure but misdirected
I've made a straight mess out of my protection

He has been faithful and just, yet I fail to trust that He is the one and only that takes away the lonely

He is everything I'll need
So I can get my mind of the greed
I can be content, for he is my happiness.

I have wasted so much of His time, I'm surprised not to be kicked of this grind, but from this day forward, I'll keep on living on His time, His schedule, His dime.

This is no blanket statement, no false promise to bate you, He will be my all, my everything, my fortress, the one that brings me through

So I stand before you, my heart on my chest, pledging my life, my heart, my soul, my goals, my insecurities and all the rest.
That next time you see me, you can't help but to fall
down on your knees realizing He is worth the call

TRHWOA Episode 1

So the cray crayness of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is back in full affect. This episode was less ridicoulous than I thought it would be.

Let's start off with the new addition, Kendra. This chic needs to be put on a serious time out. How is it that a grown woman still behaves as though she is an insecure 16 year old in high school, having to prove her importance instead of actually being important. I mean who walks around with a body guard when you are not Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie? It's just asinine.

Let me just say seeing Kandi in a seemingly good relationship makes me elated. I want what she has, and I know that instead of being a jealous hater, I need to be congratulatory in order for my blessing to come as well. So go Kandi! I even honestly like her new place, I mean mansion that she purchased. I personally agree with Kim and do not like a house that needs work, but hey if it works for her, it works for her. Her new beau is good looking too! Man she is on top of the world this season. Kandi is making that cash and hitting that ass! Go gurl!

I am not mad at Ms. Nene Leeks. She is sucessful and is taking herself to a new place in life all by herself. I don't know about her getting back with her husband Greg, but if she truly loves him, I say go with love beyond anything else. I would say however that Nene needs to stop dropping names and calling out all her designer things. Did you notice how she dropped the brand of her bag with no relevance? It's becoming a second hand shame situation for me, it's awkward Nene, it's awkward!


So many things for Kim. Why is the hell would you hire back someone you fired? Why is useless Sweetie back? How is that a good investment? Sweetie just looks like a stuffed up doll that just curses and eats. Fuckin useless. Then this lease debacle. She doesn't pay her decorator, she obviously did not think before they leased the place, it's just a mess! Kandi is right, there is always some drama with Kim. It's never peaceful, at least not for long.

Phadrea is just too much. I don't know how I feel about her in general. She seems so disingenuous. It's all about that cash, and I don't trust that. The whole funeral for animals is smart though. People take their pets very seriously.

As much as I hate, I will continue to watch and see where these ladies go with all of their mess!

I love it!